by Kevin Anderson
dedicated to George Herriman
Dat never been told. What happened to me when I was a young pup. Dere I was, looking dumb an long came my dad an save me. You see. I'd just klimbed like 2 milez a long way from where I started with a friend of mine. An I thought I was so smart. You see there was snow up there. A long way. But a waterfall too. An so I thought cool lets go see the snow (and the waterfall too) so off we go tra-la-la an river run beside us and I getting tired but I be 7 years old and there be snow (and a waterfall too) so that keep me goin. Trail pretty obvious. Friend OK but he not talk much. OK I not talk much either. He had gone to see the waterfall (where there was snow) with his grandfather the day before. He said it not long hike but it was kind of long. River rushing by. It beautiful and loud. Rusharusharusharussshhhhhhhh. Tried to fish in it the day before with my dad but it too rushing with not enough quiet spots. So we going to creek tomorrow where fish hide.
See. This long time ago when gas was expensive the first time. Whole $1.50. Dad cuss a lot about dat. Dad cuss a lot too when the wood paneled station wagon he just bought from skinny little ginger guy broke down. Oh wait. Dat not yet. This when 1972 Dodge Dart break down hauling trailer in the middle of the desert. It was about twenty miles from home but it seem like long way. I all happy because Mom and Dad give me and my brother bag full of comics and coloring books and football ii and games and crosswords and stuff so we shut up for the trip. So we have to sit out in the 110 degree heat til' Mom start complainin' and we go to gas station with restaurant on top of it. I ordered a hamburger and it was kind of dry. So we have to go home after Dad fix the car enough to get us home. I think he just have to dump a bunch of anti-freeze and water in it cuz radiator busted. So we go home, and Mom and Dad take away the bag full of comics and coloring books and football ii and games and crosswords and stuff cuz we not on vacation now. Like if your Mom and Dad tell you to go to bed without dessert when it be banana split with hot fudge and chocolate sprinkles and m&ms and skittles. I too old to cry, I smart enough to not be pissed off, but I sure was sad. I was halfway through a word search with superman words. Mom and Dad say it be week before we be able to go on vacation again. Dad have to fix the radiator or something. I forget. Not that I didn't care or didn't know what it was, but it was 30 years ago.
So we go to the library and I read lots of Danny Dunn books and Edward Eager books. Half Magic was my favorite, in dat one you have to wish for twice as much a wish as you want or you only get half your wish. Half-zombie eating Mrs. Mauck, bad teacher.
Whole week pass and it seem to take for ever. Wanna go on vacation. Wanna go on vacation. And finally (after I check out a whole bunch of books from the library like Lord of the Rings and Interview with the Vampire (see I was a precocious reader but I also read books about kids so I know what to do as a kid and not go trying to slay Sauron or interview vampires.)) yay we go on vacation again. I ask Dad if we get to eat at the restaurant on top of the gas station again. He and mom both say no together real quick then. Then I go back to doing the word search with superman words. I find Kryptonite and I find Lex Luthor and I find Lois Lane and I find Krypto (the superdog) and I find Bizarro (him backwards Superman) and I find Daily Planet and I find Metropolis and I find other words too but I forget what. So bout den we are back to where we were earlier when car break down. Car is still working this time. So we keep going to Sequoia to see the giant trees.
Hokay. So now you get the picture. This all about when I was a lil' kid and the forest and Sequoia National Park and dat stupid waterfall. But it not. That just the jumpin' off point. This is about all kinds of stuff. Look. Two books. Morte Darthur and Finnegans Wake have absolutely nothing to do with this book. So if you pick them up to look for influences. You be looking long way. Krazy Kat don't have much to do with this book either, but it sure gives me an excuse to manglefy the English language. Not dat the English Language in proper don't manglefy on its own evry 500 years or so. I dare you. OK. I save you the effort. Here Sentence. And whan Sir Bleoberys and Sir Ector were comyn there as Quene Gwenyver was lodged, in a castell by the sesyde (and thorow the grace of God the Quene was recovirde of hir malady), than she asked the two knyghtes fro whens they cam. That from the Norton Critical Edition of Le Morte Darthur. An you all lolcat people think you someting new. Here someting from Krazy Kat by George Herriman, Ignatz: EVERY DOT A DELIGHT - EVERY SPOT A JOY - THIS DAY PROMISES MUCH. Officer Pup: SIN IS AFOOT - THE MOTTLED MENACE MARCHES ON - AND I CAN DO NOTHING ABOUT IT. Do you see? How 7337 is dat. But all this exposition and you forget about my story. What story? Dis just be you blabberin' an' babblin. Cept It Ain't. MY PSYKIK POWERZ BE WRITING DIS STORY AN' EVEN IF YOO PUT TEH BOOK DOWN. YOO BE IN MY COMPLETE CONTROL. JK. What I'm trying to say I guess is that 10 years from now peepul be goin' 'tut tut what unusual grammatical structure and abuse of the English language, harrumph'. But den 35 years frum now. Again it be like want me cheezeburger an macaroni por teh massez of supertings an stuff. So here. Now. All you need to know is teh reezon I don go full on lolcat or 7337 is because I want to make money 10 years from now as well as jus' now. However should you decide to read it lolcat in you head den you might be happier kitteh then if you try an read it like i write it. Like Quene Gwenyver was lodged, in a castell by the sesyde. I mean that shit makes you nuts.
So. There me is ridin' in the back seat of a Dodge Dart that has that goldy color you don't see anymore cept on Olde English cans. An I got a ton of books an some video game or dat electronic trivia game whose name i ferget but you can plug in cartridges with like sports or comic books or history and then have all different questions till it break after 5 years or so when the buttons don't push no more. And California is rolling past like lancaster and visalia and all those places. Visalia lots of fun because there is a KOA (Kampers On Acid) there that has like Pac-Man and Space Invaders and Submarine game with telescopy thingy. Dad can I have some more quarters, Mom said I could. No I didn't. You did too you just forgot because I hypmotize you. OK, I wasn't DAT smart but then who is when they're seven. They even had a primitive breathalyzer, except it not do your breath it just do your reflexes and see if you can stop a dime that you put in the machine before it reach the red part that mean you crash if you drive. The KOA be like maybe the coolest part of the trip. I mean oooh wonder of nature and mr. ranger and riverrun and snow (and a waterfall too) and playing yahtzee because we too young to play card games for money like Mom and Dad. One time funny looking guy with big funny handlebar mustache come up and play cards with Mom and Dad real late while I read "The Two Towers" in the trailer and my brother sleep (he like 2 or 3 then). He talk loud and long time and never shut up and keep talking real loud while I try and read while he talking real loud. Some people are like that. I kid then though so I no think to tell him to shut the hell up you big mouth with funny mustache. I don't remember if this the time we camp when there were blackberries along the trail, but one time there were blackberries along the trail and they were yummy. However, I be digresseratin'.
So you know the kind of trailer I'm talking about, the kind that get parked and rot away to rust and broken toilet in a trailer park somewhere after it get sold to some doh-doh who think it be a good place to live so he have money for speed. It was nice though when we had it. A big bunk for us the kids. A table that slide down an den you pull teh mattress that is the two comfy bench chairs over the table so it makes another bed for the grown ups. a lil shower. a small toilet that today i don't think i'd be able to get my big fat ass to balance on like clown riding on teeny tiny bike but was fine when i was a little kid, and a propane stove and oven and cupboards and door with a door and a screen where if you didn't slide open the slidey thing on the screen near the door handle the door handle would plonk into it. It was a status symbol back in the seventies before the status symbol in the 80s of the motor home. It was also a status symbol because my dumbbell cousin and stupidass aunt (i just have to say right now i love microsoft works word processor because it doesn't spellcheck dumbbell, lol) just had a tent and always had to go to the public toilet and showers or come and stink ours up. Stupidass aunt always ate lots of sardines so she really stinky.
This was long time ago. When kids were safe. When only superwacko Manson and weird people from like Kansas and New York were serial killers or child abductors. OK that is an oversimplification, but the world was perceived as safer then. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe there was just as much bad stuff that happen to people but it not get put in the papers. But I had a sense of security that was strong enough for me to like talk to the people in the next trailer over at the campground and they were comfortable enough to let their kid goof around with me climbing rocks and pulling puzzlebark off trees and running around going yaaaaaaaaaa and playing guns and stuff.
Speaking of playing guns, I know one guy now who is like aggro all the time and like is always looking for an argument or an intense but non-violent confrontation. I think that is because his parents were like suuuuuperhipppieeechrssstiian in the 80s and would no let him have stormtrooper rifle. dzzzot, dzzzot!
So you see. Life is pretty much whatever the hell you've been put in. Dat dere is worthy of Archy teh Cockroach. Dats some other old guy. He was smart though. He changed his name when he write in the newspaper so the nanobots from Atlantis no chase him an try and make him into Giant Robot Monster like me RAAAARGGGHCRUSSSHSTOMMMP. OK Dat nuff of dat. The thing that I most want to tell you about when I was a kid is that I pretty much trusted everyone. Until about 1st grade. Then, I was watching the three stooges and I saw Moe clonk Larry and Curly's heads together. So the next day at school. I clonk Tim and Gilbert's head together. Oh but how they betrayed my trust ;). Later on at recess they both punched me an knocked me down. Lucky they were little kid punches. Dem not so bad. See! Betrayed! By my faith in Telemuhbision. LOL! Yes, I know I had dat one coming. It was a weird class back then. Hippie teacher sitting on the desk playing michael rowww teh boat ashore while all us kids go yaaaaaaaaaaaarunarounrunarounyaaaaaaaaaa. Still. She nice teacher and even good teacher, but still she just a little bit of lsd or something... i mean it raaaaayaaaaaaayaaaaaaaaarunarounrunarounyaaaaaaaaaaaaa. That first grade. Sometimes. Even today. I want to have pretty teacher play gitar while I run around and go yaaaaarunarounrunarounyaaaaaaa. Is that too much to ask of life? A pretty teacher who play michael rowww teh boaat ashore while sitting cross-legged on the desk? She don't even have to be a teacher, or sit cross-legged, as long as she not wicked old witch doing psychic evil hell to make me go aiyeeeeeeeeoww-oww-oww-oww-oww-hurt. So you think I joking? Some women watch charmed and do like I did when I watch the three stooges. Now here if this were the 90s I make long erudite comparison bout charmed an which one be Moe an which one be Curly an which one be Potsie an which one be Shemp. But we beyond dat now! Dis is teh meme generation an dat be just teh comparative meme compare dis to dat to dis to dat to dis to dat oh noez teh brainlock meme. I guess what I be trying to say to you (yoda meme) is dat no matter how your life be, you could be dat teacher playing gitar an singing who peekin' out frum undter teh stairway blinted by everybody she see. I mean you could be her. Think about it. I know some of yoo be like OOH I always wanted to play gitar or be a teacher or be a woman or have little kids running around me goin' yaaaaarunarounrunarounrunarounyaaaaaaa. But when you put it all together. When you add the fact that it probably 110 degrees outside so you can't leave Skippy Wunderkid Hall Monitor in charge for 10 minutes and puff on a cigarette while you go make copies real quick without being super hot and coming back all sweaty teacher. DEN YOU KNOW BETTER! YOO BE BETTER OFF SINGING TO A PACK OF RABID DOBERMANS CUZ AS SOON AS TEH 1ST GRADERS SMELL TEH SWEAT OR TEH FEAR YOU BE HAVING TO HIDE UNDER YOU DESK AND POKE DEM WITH LETTER OPENER AN SCREAM FOR WILLIE TEH JANITOR. YES. TEH JANITOR'S NAME REALLY WAS WILLY. NO. HE NO SCOTSMAN. BUT HE HAVE COOL HAT.
OK. Now dat you know my seekrit, dat I love crazy hippie gitar girl. I tell you bunch more junk. I never surfed when I was a kid. I boogie-boarded. Still have my boogie board too. I figure it make nice thwacking sound when I be making moozik someday. Can't you see that this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship? I be writing lots of books. And yoo like robot automatons go to store an buy dem so dat when teh government shuts me down for beeing subversive an talking about how much fun a boogie board is an how you can do it super drunk where you surf super drunk you go kerploosh. Yoo even wash up on the beach an go bleeecccchblluhhuhhuhhuhblorrpblechblechblech an it just go over edge of boogie board insted of like all over your hobie wetsuit. Triumph for the drunk guy witout teh perilz of teh bodysurfing or teh wonk on head by teh real surfboard. OK. I kidding again. None of dat matters. What does matter is peril. I was in INFINITE PERIL when I was up on dat mountainside with the snow an the waterfall an my dad chasing up teh trail after me cuz dats what dads do when their kidz are in infinite peril unless their kids are really stoopid kids calling gangsters with automatic weapons doo-doohedz. Den dads just sadly shake there heads an go poor kid it be the law of the west. See. Supversib. Teh government make law where yoo have to write like pierce brosnan. And then I was catamaraning off the coast of aruba oh here are our piña coladas shall we trip the light fantastic my dear. think i may puke agin. here. bleeecccchblluhhuhhuhhuhblorrpblechblechblech. but until that day. i be here writing the absolutely stupidest shit imaginable. an like the fifth time you reed it you go i can't believe i bought this stupid book i wonder if my friend will buy it for 10 dollars since there is no price on it and he no know it cost me dat much. contempt for my reader? no. not at all. but i guarantee you about teh fifth time you read ANY book you start going dis be dum-dum book i no read no more gib me copy of dat decline and fall of the roman empire dat wash deh stoopid out of my brane after dis book. if you buy this book to be smart. den hah hah laffs on you. people see you reed it an dey go omigod he reading dat dumb-dumb kevin anderson what he read next dianetics with the seekret xenu soul eating thing and volcano crypts an oh noez scimentology guyz at my door an tey got thetans wit them that they going to release on teh unspespecting reeder run! drop book an run now! or teh thetans come after you bliblbllbiblblundobleeep! jk. there no scientologists at my door. you drop book an run for nuthing. maybe someone more smarter come along an pick up this book an it make them less smarty so dey don't tink like oooh perhaps teh curvanture uf space can be equalized wit sooperpower ray and legion of doom be teh one to fund it wit sooper nose ring shaped like green booker dat hang down an go bloop bloop bloop noize when you exhale throo your nose.
Conjure teh magic dragon. Dat not even part of the picture. But imagine a giant magic marijuana joint spinning gently in space about 2 feet from your nose. Just dere for the plucking. Or if you not pot smoker imagine a Chevy Blazer with title and keys bran new for like $100. Or hot nekkid bartender(ess) to make yoo mojitos an mai-tais at your command. Dat's how cool seein' snow in the middle of summer was to me as a kid. Yoo see, I'm from the desert, It never ever well once 29 years ago but never ever ever snows here. Summers are like 110-120 degrees, winters are like 48-65 degrees. So, to see snow it be cool as teh mystical floating joint appearing for y00 to smote. Dere. Motivation. Must See Snow! Giant Monster Must Stomp Tokyo! George Bush Must Invade Oil Country! Israel Must Grab Land Their Ancestors Genocided To Grab! Superman Must Save Lois Lane! Kool-Aid Man Must Smash Wall! French Waiter Must Raise Eyebrow At Your Hawaiian Shirt. See. All Falling Into Place. Soon Yoo Understand Teh EXTREME PERIL! OH NOEZ! EXTREME PERIL FOR YOUNG KEVIN ANDERSON RUNROUNSMAKONHED!
Quiz Wiz, dat be teh stupid name of dat trivia game I was trying to remember earlier. It had like 30 different cartridges about tings dat you don't give a rats ass about. Like Jeopardy for 1970s 2nd graders. While I didn't play that a lot. It wasn't as cool as microvision or football ii. It did make the time pass on the car trip so it wasn't, Let's go to McDonalds an' I gotta go to the baffroom an can we stop an see the dinosaurs and how fast are you goin dad is teh car goin to break down again an shit. Yes, my parents bribed us to stfu. It worked too. Although sometimes my mom want us to like sing smokey teh bear with her or some stupid shit. that probly so our brains no die from all teh books an video games and mad libs an such. smokey teh bear, smokey teh bear, fartin' an a poopin' an a sniffin' teh air, he can make some doo-doo before he eat a steak. dat why dey call him smokey an dat how he got his name. I tink maybe mom do dat to torture my dad cuz he usta work for the forest service an so did his dad an so he had to hear dat shit like all teh time. My mom has a cruel streak sometime, but then that cruel streak probly rubbd off cuz man can i fuck assholez up when dey start fucking wit me. So deh everything fly by an den we up near teh forest an it smell like pine and dad start worryin' cuz teh lil' dodge dart pulling teh 16 foot trailer on teh windy road an he be like extra shut up or i slap y00 cept he no haf to cuz we good kids. so we get dere an out come teh ice chest full of teh coca cola an teh beer an teh shasta (i haf dis one fren name shasta an she say her name indian for cheap soda) i like teh shasta blackberry soda. an so dere we are an we got to balance teh trailer so it no tip over when we jump up an down on teh bed an set out teh lawn chairs an get a mess of pine cones an pine needles to start teh fire wit. mmmmmm marshmallows. an soon we go fishin'. fishin' almost as cool as snow. although now i have friends who i love very much who are like no fishing bad dem haf faces so no eat dem or yoo get eat up by big monster buddah monster who suck teh marrow from yoo bones an make happy yummy noises as he eat you. so i no be making happy yummy nom nom nom noises about fish out of respect for my frens who no wan to get eat by giant buddah monster. Although cuz I have other frens dat be carnivores I tell tem if y00 wan to read gory bloody butchery of giant sea creatures read moby dick cuz dat make teh vegemetarians go oh noez. it make me go oh noez too... not because i no eat meat but because me try an stick wit the less intelligent meat cuz tey probably not survive in teh wild teez days an maybe someday some wily baywatch activist girl set all teh animals free in teleportation macheen an we haf to eat like broccoli an kale an soy dat make men retarded an gif women breas cancer (dat no joke dere be studeez an stuff). I eeven was vegetarian for a year. It was a very good year, wit smalltown girlz in tight bathing soots when i was 27. OK dat a lie, it was a really hard year, probably din't get enough protein, ached a bunch, an got super-duper sick of curry. like blech sick of curry. like so sick of curry dat only 10 years later do curry sound like a good idea. Will i eber go vegematarian again? Dat depend. Like if she better cook den me (an I is real good cook) an she no freak out or get all icy mean no sex if once in awhile i get a hamburger or make a steak or someting. no kiss yoo cuz yoo eat meat hate you, but i not do dat very often because she really good cook. den maybe. but not soy. mushroom protein an legume an rice protein an other good stuff. soy make retarded guy an brest cancer girlz. blech blech. although I am willing to believe (becuz teh chineez haf been eating it for like thousands of years) dat small quantities of soy probably not be make you retarded or breast cancer an stuff. but i no want to risk. i want a smoker too, one of dem tings dat you smoke food in so it be all smokey an yummy but den dere dere a risk of cancer too so I put it to teh back of my mine an try not to tink about how yummy smoket cheeses are. OK, tere establish psychological stuff about me concern for health but not fanatic an run aroun having steel cage matches with bulls running after me in pamplona eeven though i grab a pit bull an kick it in teh nutz if it be attacking my kid or someting. yoo see why dat important soon.
Massacre at twin pines chapel. a goddamn bloody mess. dere I was. grinnin' from ear to ear. wit teh gun in my hand. ack ack ack ack ack ack ack. die fascist pigz die! ack ack ack ack ack ack ack. dat be great beginning of a story. maybe i write dat next. call it teh book uf die fascist pigz die ack ack ack ack. If McCain wins i probably make a lot of money wit dat one. Dems will be strappin' bombs to dere bongs an blowing up head shops to cut republican funding via rolling papers an tie die tee shirtz. What? y00 tink DEMS not-stoned long enuff to make art an manufacture pipe screens an bongs shape like penises for dems to suck on? lol. yoo right. yoo dems done got it all figured out. teh head shops are all hillary's which is why dere be fat guy like comic book guy behind teh counter cuz hillary give him hamburger stand right nex door to teh head shop so she make money coming an going.
In teh cool uf teh evenin'. teh fire glow golden orange an flicker an heat from teh fire warm troo my shooz an glowing coalz spark an pop an ahh pretty an soothing. fuggin' haf to drybe all teh way up to nordern calnifornia for teh lava lamp. lol! cookin' hot dogs. yummy farmer john hot dogs just like teh los angeles dodgerz sell. an big fluffy marshmallows. i like mine golten brown but not so hot inside dat it burn my mouf or fingers. haf special long fire cooker spikeforks in teh trailer cupboard dat we yooz to skewer teh marshmallows an hot dogs an holt over teh fire for long time so tey be cookt an yummy. no. we not sing campfire songs an shit. what y00 tink dis is. teh mickey mouse club? not smoke teh hippie weed either. my fohks was too olt for dat by bout 2-3 yearz. dad smoke 2 packs a day of marlboros, he quit dat eventually mebbee he not get teh cancer. sometime we haf teh radio on. like ballgame or news or someting grown up boring. not no hippie music cuz dat waste teh batteries on teh radio an dat way we saybe teh environment not like dumb hippies who use like all sortz of batteries so dey can play dere hendrix sooper loud. lol! i just kidding. i like hendrix. i have all tree uf his good albums an haf listened to some of his utter ones. i eeben listen to him loud. crank up teh logitech z-2300 speakorz an duhn duhn duhn duhn dooodllldooodooooo doodledooodoo doodledoooodooo doodledoooodooo yeah! purmple hayze iss in my brane! but back den? i listen to pop raydio at home. always call teh 14-Q am an ask tem to play teh starwars cantina song. i also like teh song werewolfs of london. dere lots of good songs back den. put teh lime in teh coconut an drink it all up. i beleeb in miraclez which way yoo go sexy ting you. if yoo like pina colada an getting caught in teh rain. imaginary lover... in y00 mined all teh time. yah... i lay me down to sleep... yow... i just can't find dat bass... flashlight! dat when music only half crappy pop like thunder island.... now it like 7/8's crappy pop. but den someting like 'i'm a slaybe 4 yoo' be all kindz of ear candy but den like 500 crappy pop/r&b songs after dat an folks like david banner never get on teh radio. still y00 probably be wondering what dis haf to do wit the snow (and a waterfall too) an I tell you look, dis like life, we get dere, y00 hear teh story, but now dere be sumpting else going on an listen to it now. ooh, i chastise my reeder. chayme on me. but i not talking to y00, i talking to teh guy at barnes an noble who alreaty reed dis far witout buying teh book. what? y00 hat money too get all high but y00 don' haf monee to buy my book? i hope y00 koff up all teh thc or drool in teh bong. dere. dat take care of dat guy. now yoo all my lovely an wonderful an smelly hippie (yaz y00 too) readers. still be by teh fire wit my feet in flip-flops an it starteen to die down an dad chuggin one las beer cuz it almos time to go to sleep. an den teh fire crackle an dad break teh coals apart an pour a cup of water on dem so dat we no wayke up in smokey teh bear hell wit him poking us with marshmallow skewery tingy going 'onlyee y00 can preebent fores' firez' for all teh eternity an den teh whissle blow an it be break tyme an teh sunz uf teh pioneerz start singin' smokey teh bear smokey teh bear yoo burn down teh forest an burnt off his hair. aiyeeee pheer dat hell why dat put out fire instead of let it burn like stoopit hippie! lol!
So. OK. Like the only dream I can remember from when I was a kid was when Johnny and Scott from Sigmund and the Sea Monsters were hunting me and they had like green faces and they were chasing me through sand dunes. Now, its not that Johnny and Scott were so terrifying in themselves... int was dat dey HAT GREEN FAYCES! I didn' dreem for a long time after dat. I tink I shut down my dream functshuns cuz dat shit was externally produced (sometimez dey R) an I din't want. Maybe it wuz my moms or my grammy though. Dey sometimez do (did) lil' favorz like dat for me so dat I no go koo-koo! Haw haw! I fool dem! I go koo-koo anyways! lalalalalalalaaltralabinlahtidoodoodoo.
Dere once was a big giant, an he hand a big club an he uuzed teh club to scare off a nazi asshole who had a bigonted hart regarting hispanic peepul. He propably hat a bigoted hart regarting udder peepul too. Teh big gian jus say, I be cumming out in 1 minute wit my gian club den teh guy wit teh bigonted hart go lahlahlahrunawayrunawayorigetmypinhedbroken. tee en.
So dere I be... climing up teh hill an tere bee teh bat mopster nutsy herman chasing mee wit his tirty-8. i din' know doh so i be like tralalalalasmurfalala. no. dat not teh kin' uf INFINITE PERIL i was in. nor was it like debbil worshipping place at teh top of teh hill. dat be MORTAL PERIL. An den just my soul anyhow. Did I ever tell y00 I collect souls? I haf tree (counteen my own). One girl in a chatroom where everyone was like oooh bad john kerry an YAY MURFA GOT FUCKT an Howie Dean is a doh-doh bet me dat I was sum guy who also freequent teh chantroom. I tolt her no dat not me! She go yes y00 is. I go no I not an she go Yes Yoo Is an I go NO I NOT an She Go YES YOO IS an I go, OK, y00 wan bet me y00 Immortal Soul dat I not be who y00 tink I be? an she go YES I DO! An I go HA-HA got y00 soul! |POOF!devilsmoke| den. later in chatroom where guy be all like i no like dem muslims (i not tell you racist term he use cuz den you not get tortured by it or use it on other people but it not teh one dat teh whorez frum bush 1 uste.) but he be like i no like muslims an i starnt talkeen about how I win dat girlz immortal soul earlier an he go I no beleeb in soulz. so i go, can i haf yorz? an he sed shure! y00 can haf mine. So dat be how I gont tree soulz mine, teh bikiniwaxerz (cuz dat what shee is) an teh raycis dick. I be teh unholy trinitee! gent away frum me wit doze cronsses an dat holy wanter. I jus kiddeen' not bout teh soul part doh. Teh holy wanter haf no effec on me, ok. a lil' effec. I haf to cleen my glassez an punch y00 out cuz I haf to cleen my glassez. an teh crosses? I donayt tem to a trift store so tayk dem wit yoo when y00 go unless y00 wan sticker on dem dat say 75¢ or sumteen.
Dis be the graytes day ub my lyfe. I wayke up an predator AN karate kid pt. ii come on the TB at the same time. The part where Mr. Myaki kick everybody ass. Ooh! An I hat a mess uf Del Taco too an the assho who been wurking tere so I be goin' to teh udder Del Taco (same distance, wurs access) so I no haf to play drama wit teh assho. Plus girl who like me tere, she not reel cute, but she like me an dat put smile on my face. Dere lots uf girls who like me. I no get close to many uf tem beecuz i get hurt long time ago by settlin' for less then the bes'. I not talkin' stupormotel paris hitlon, i talking gril who look like girlz in won uf doze olt don notz moobies where dere be sexy girl tryn to get up in don's pantz but dere be girl who be homespun purty wit nice legz an kind. Meppe I haf to wait til' I old az don notz in dose moobies. I hope not. he be like 52 in doze an say i be 35 year olt batchlor. Den deh Vic Mizzy pianner moozik start to play an Don run all skerredy until he realyze it just be Crazy Olt Mister Jeeberz tryin' to scare him to clear hiz name frum teh seekrit blacklist uf creepy gardenerz. BTW, no, girl ant Del Taco not teh girl dat be her, but she be nicer dan freeky gangsta girl who tink I chould be bussin' teh Fat Loc moozik an wearin' my cap all funny while bussin' sign. Not dat I habbent. Not dat I don' like foks lyke dat, but dat not 4 me. I be happier kinda happy bouncy daybe attell meet scooby doo meet teh wufman but witout all teh daybe attell supstance abooz. ok, maybee a lil' supstance abooz but not like lookin' at teh waitrezz wit two olt fashiont glazzez ober my eyez wit ice still in tem an goin' boogityboogityboogity to teh waitress so she go dis st00pit fuk benter gib me bick tip.
My mom ask me about my firs book (brick bye kebbin anterson) teh udder day. I go it full uf all sortz uf crayzee beatnick stuff yoo wan reed? she go 'me no want'.
no. she not say it just like dat. but sayme dam diffrence. see. not eeben a book a mudder could lub. weh! no wunner nutzy herman chaseen me up dat hill. y00 my deer sir haf ay dee dee becuz i awredy tel y00 dat it not be nutzy herman wit hiz tirty-ate but y00 no lissen cuz you be lookeen for seekrit israylee informayshun too torture me wit cuz I reemin a lot uf peepul aboot teh 'lavon affair' where y00 dress up like ayrabz an blow up englesh an unimeted staytz targetz. hah hah hah. y00 tought dis all book about wen me lil' kit so i no sleep dat won in. gotchoo! lol! wee teh s00per power win won bronz metel an melt down all teh utter bronz metal into teh fonz statuu so wee grayt arteests an not grayt afleetz. btw. don bee starteen dat y00 antee-stumpetic beecuz y00 tink israel bunch uf nazees for all teh mazz murder an senteen lepeneez mercenareez into sabra/shatila encampment while fat areel shitrohn's troopz surroun encampment an fyre all sortz of flarez so dat teh lepaneez merkeneareez can see teh doctorz an nursez an u.n. ait workerz an chiltren tehy be slawtereen. Teh way I feel aboot teh j00z is dat dere is angles an eediots in ebery rayce creet an culntur, but dere be a lot mor eediots in teh zionis ismuhraylee supcultur ten anywere eltz. My suspitchun is dat teh reel j00z y00z Ismarayel az a prizon camp for all teh j00z dat are bick st00pit genocital azzhoz. Yaz, dat mean y00 mr. punitive shooteeng gye. An y00 t00 mr. trow bomz in2 1947 iranian synagogz so dat teh j00z dere tink dat ayrabz be sh00ting dem jus lyk teh 'lavon affair'. ok. dat shunt ump teh guy dat wuz fisheen in my het for someteen seekrit or someteen dat he can y00z 2 torcher me wen I be mackin' on bootyful girl. lol. yaz. yoobetcha dere bee dum shit i dit az a kit. wunner wye?
capz. oooh. i usta lub capz. dem big payper stripz wit gunpowter spotz in tem dat yoo can hit an go pap pap pap. lyek i get bick hammer an bus whole roll uf capz at once an it lite on fyre. two or tree rollz an teh payper get all in teh way. but one roll? bam! an lil' fyre. not dat i din't try an do like 5 rollz ant wonce a fyu timez but int no work reel goot an seem like a ways. like capbomz fun too. put like 5 or 6 capz in capbom an trow it up an it lan on roof an wen dad get homez yoo go dat, gent up on teh roof an gent my capbom an water rokkit an frizbee an eebil keneebil stunt byke an my sooperball an teh dog an all y00 porn magz an teh french fry i frew ump dere an y00 cowboy hant an MY cowboy hant an momz beer an all teh sokkit renchez an teh mexican fooot an my seely string can an my wanter pistol an my little brudder an my roller skatez (dis wuz too early for skatebort) an y00 dinner. naow naow naow naow naow.
uf courz dat no go ump an gent my skaytebort an seely strink until lyke crismas-time wen he bee putteen up teh litez an go oooh. look at all teh cramp sanna lef up here an he trow it down into teh tree. gee. tankz dad!
so den, i look up an dere bee teh wanterfall (an teh snow) an it chilly an i wearin' shorts but not cold cuz just walk long way. an I look for a lil' bit an dere be peepul aroun goin' ooh, look at wanterfall an snap, snap, take picchur an i step back couple stepz an sit in snow. it be cold an my hanz kind uf cold but not reel bad cuz it still summer an i an my fren whoz name i forget but like chuck or someting so i call him chuck is dere too but me momentarily time slow down cuz it be snow.
crystally flaky dark corner glisten-light tink me eat snow. jus a lil' cuz it cold an long walk an nopudy step in it or nuttin' den dad cum up an grap me by dee arm an i tink he bick jerk cuz i haf to walk all teh way up dere to see teh snow an chuckz grandfadder dere too. both pisst well chuckz granfadder not pissed cuz he older an laid back. but dad kina beered up an just haf to walk 2 milez or sumtin' to find his kid so mom not bitch at him an giv him sex dat night. an now. though there be lot more to this book. this the part i want y00 to know. dad keep me from eatin' teh yellow snow. well. it not yellow. but it like in corner, close to end of a trail, where it pour teh snow down teh playce dat I know dat if I wuz hikeen an it not snow dere an me no wan to piss in ribber or clim down 2 waterfall to piss dat i piss dere right where i wuz sitting. it good piss spot. an deh snow collect dere so it probably be yellow snow but i never know, but, dat there at just right time to keep me frum eating it. he good dad, an mom good mom cuz she kick his butt to get him to go get me to keep me frum eating teh yellow snow. see. tey psykik. y00 like oooh s00prize. but they timing good t00. when i tink now yerz later at all teh shit i put tem troo an tey put me back troo when i growin' up. i probably soopriz dey no let me eat teh yellow snow. but den dey proply been parentz longer den i haf an know dat giant parent god eat tem an snap dere headz off if dey no treet me right even toh i lil' shit.
ok. y00 can stop reeding now. dat all seekret stuff to torcher me wit dat y00 get in dis book an it not eeben bee torcher cuz i din't tink about it til' now. deh res is prosaic tayl uf teh boyhoot an sum reminisces an all dat kin uf shit but if y00 like it so far y00 like teh res uf it too. maybe i werk in shaggy dog special my word saying like don't eet teh yellow snow or y00 be stoopit or sumting. but dat not teh seekret saying dat cum later, right now? i want to tell y00 about teh oh, i dunno what, i wryt dat tomorrow. right now i in weird flowspace headchange dat me no want til' tomorrow so i nighty night an take shower an in teh morning or tomorrow when i be feeling refresh an happy wit a lil' cup uf coffee or sumting i be wryt wryt wryt wryt wryt wryt wryt wryt til' i be tired an go watch teh gotfater or sumting on tv dat entertain me til st00pit democratz go we be in charge if we don fuck too many hookerz or get caught wit teh stain on michelle obama's blue dress. wryt now seekret agent peepul going we mayk sure she get it dry clean so bill no get impeeched now gain.
OH NOEZ! SEEKRIT HILLARY AGENZ AT MY DORR! TEE EN!